Joe the Plumber
Real American
Dear Mr. Plumber,
It's great to read that you're still in the average guy business. I was getting a bit worried we'd never hear from you again after you dumped the GOP, but thankfully, you're still a big draw with the "get liquored up and shoot things" crowd.
Gosh, I wish I could have been there. I hear those Independence Institute alcohol, tobacco, and firearms parties are a lot of fun. What more could a real American man want beyond a big ol' shotgun with a long full-choke barrel, a humongous cigar, and all the booze you can drink.
I imagine a lot of lesser Americans might look at such an event and make snide little remarks about compensation and feelings of inadequacy. Screw them. They just don't understand the joy of sucking on a long thick cigar or the power one feels when a hot load explodes from the tip of your Mossberg.
Sounds like your speech was a big hit too, but I think you could have added a little clarity to your statement that America had been a "great nation for over 180 years." That confused a lot of people and opened you up to a little mockery.
You could have avoided all that by simply explaining that the United states did not become a great nation until after the first friction "strike anywhere" matches became available here, sometime in the late 1820s. I mean, gosh, how would we spend our free time if we didn't have those little flames to look at--so pretty, so hot, so dangerous.
And sure, sometimes the matches speak to us, and tell us to do bad things, and maybe sometimes we do them, but it's all worth the trouble isn't it--the excitement of the firetrucks, the thrill that comes from thinking about the lacy thong you're secretly wearing as you talk to the fireman; you know what I mean.
Heterosexually yours,
Gen. JC Christian, patriot
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